DISCLAIMER: If you’ve read my blog ‘The Best and the Worst of The Dark Tower‘, you’ll know that I’m passionate about The Dark Tower book series. It’s been almost six years since The Dark Tower movie came out. Six years since I sat in a cinema, in horror, watching one of the worst travesties in modern cinema unfold.
I’m still not over it. I originally published the below as a Facebook post, but now six years on, and with The Dark Tower TV series in the works from Mike Flannagan, I’ve edited this to include spoilers and reflect on what made it so bad, in the hope that Mike Flannagan himself will read this and take note.
I never normally do this. It’s been a while since I reviewed films as an entertainment editor, and most people know that if I’ve seen a film, I’ll maybe comment a little bit on my Facebook check-in, or tell them in person. Maybe on Messenger if I feel that strongly about it. Usually if they ask.
But the raging, soulless, steaming pile of shit in the name of The Dark Tower made me so fucking angry I wanted to punch through walls (Dear Reader, I was indeed, very fucking angry). In fact, I almost walked out of the cinema.
What was the point of making the film, if they changed EVERYTHING that made it good? Okay, the cast wasn’t terrible. That’s NOT what made it terrible – in fact, the cast was one of the only things not terrible about this movie.
So, what made it terrible? Literally everything else.
Sais Akiva Goldsman, Jeff Pinkner, Anders Thomas Jensen and Nikolaj Arcel have really outdone themselves in making one of the worst screen adaptations/reboots/whatever the fuck you’d call it that I’VE EVER SEEN!!! Fucking cringeworthy.
Nothing made sense. The plot was awful. The dialogue was awful. But, but, BUT – here are some of the really ‘special’ shit nuggets that particularly outraged me:
The heavy use of the word ‘shining’ when describing Jake’s talents
Too on the nose. This was never mentioned in the books, but the writers clearly looked at how The Dark Tower universe seemed to work, and shoehorned it in because it seemed like a good opportunity. Thanks, I hate it. Bad and wrong.
The ‘breakers’ all being children who ‘shone’
Again, it’s lazy, borrowing from Doctor Sleep and HUGE DEVIATION from the book.
“Thank you, sai”
It’s THANKEE SAI. You fuckwits. You had one job.
“Tall, dark and handsome”
I’m sorry, what? I beg your pardon? Did you just use this vanilla, overdone phrase WHEN DESCRIBING OUR BELOVED ‘LONG TALL AND UGLY’ ROLAND DESCHAIN?! Get in the fucking sea.
The MOTHERFUCKING portals looking like something out of Stargate SG1!!!
They’re supposed to be old-fashioned looking wooden doors. You’re trying to appeal to the kids by crushing the soul of the source material, with heavy metal sodding space doors.
Slipping in the name ‘PENNYWISE’ to coincide with IT
I see you. I see what you were trying to do. You failed.
The stupid fucking ending
It’s bad. It has nothing to do with what happens in the books. Did I mention it’s bad?
Only bringing Jake into it – and in a way that never happened in the books
Where are Susannah and Eddie? What was the point of any of this?
No Oy.
Why have Jake without Oy? Oy was one of the most endearing things about the books. “Ake?”
No real look at Roland’s past
Save for the first very vague scene (which was also a big deviation) and the odd bit of confusing dialogue.
The whole man in black vs Roland thing and WHAT THEY DID TO IT
It’s past the need for spoiler warnings now, so I’ll just tell you how insulting it was that Roland took out the Man in Black with a cheap crapshot trick. What was the fucking point?
No Mordred
Mordred would have been fun.
Final thoughts
There are so many other things wrong with this movie that I could be here all day – so only one question remains. Why did they do us so dirty? It felt worse than if someone had given me a beetroot popkin (and I hate beetroot).
At least with the new series coming up from Mike Flannagan, we’re given another shot at some hope, and for that we can say thank ya.
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