I had started to collect some of the worst text from Wizards of the Coast’s Dungeons and Dragons: Tiny Adventures. It’s not a huge list but I wanted to share.
It must have been hard writing all that conditional text for the game in the first place. I wonder how many words some poor writer? programmer? social media agency? had to supply for the Facebook app.
The Tiny Adventures project has stopped. Some people think that Wizards of the Coast did a poor job at letting people know that Tiny Adventures was to be removed from Facebook – but the fact is that the game is gone. As we can’t reach the game any more my collection of unintentionally funny adventures must also come to an end.
These quotes have been normalised in that the hero’s name has been changed to [Jack]. Whenever you see [Jack] in the quote please sub in your favourite hero’s name.
[Jack] heard some rustling from behind him. An angry looking bear came into view. Sighing with relief that it wasn’t a dreaded gnome, Fire pulled his dagger and prepared for a fight.
[Jack] saw a kitten shaking in the corner of a small room. When he went to pet its tentacle, he noticed two odd things. First, his hand passed through the air where his eyes could have sworn the kitten should have been and, second, kittens shouldn’t have tentacles.
The unicorn took a liking to [Jack]. He was able to fulfill his dream of petting such a magnificent creature. This had gone on for several minutes when the unicorn became spooked and ran off into the woods. Sensing a presence, [Jack] turned to find a small band of goblins and their dire wolves, probably hunting the unicorn for its horn. Outraged, [Jack] devastated them all with his legendary axe in record time.
While [Jack] was busy fending off the drake’s claws and fangs, the kobold slipped around behind him for a dirty twin slash.
Swords can be very dangerous. [Jack] faced another in what was sure to be a very long line of swords pointed at him. The hilt of the particular sword in question was held by a tiefling warrior. The sword itself was approaching him with alarming celerity.
[Jack] must have been very distracted, because he found himself standing on top of a small green dragon.
